Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Room Service I

Even though I’m away on vacation I never stand down from my comedy watch. This is a scene from a FRASIER that David Isaacs and I wrote called “Room Service”. We wrote quite a few episodes of FRASIER but this was my favorite. It’s the beginning of Act II. Actually, the scene is all of Act II. I’ll be posting it throughout the week.

Lilith has just slept with Niles.

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM – MORNING

NILES AND LILITH IN BED.

LILITH

My God. What did we do? What did we do?

NILES

Well, first we –

LILITH

I know what we did. What do we do now?

NILES

Let’s just try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. (losing it) Every day in Arkansas! Why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?

LILITH

Oh, so it was my fault, Mr. Sweet-and-Attentive? Why’d you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?

NILES

The way the moonlight bathed your alabaster shoulders –

LILITH

Your sensitive and manly touch –

NILES

Yours too.

LILITH

Take me.

THEY DIVE FOR EACH OTHER BUT THEN PULL UP SHORT.

LILITH

We’ve got to resist this. It’s wrong.

NILES

Of course it is. Last night was simply two wounded people acting out of loneliness and confusion.

LILITH

Not to mention four bottles of wine. But for whatever reasons we’re here, we must never let this happen again.

NILES

Yes, of course. (beat) But just to clarify…because of the ramifications of our indiscretion or, because, you know…?

LILITH

You were fine. My God, you Crane men.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

NILES

(panicking) Who’s that?

LILITH

Don’t panic. No one knows we’re here.

NILES

I told Frasier I was driving you home.

LILITH

(now panicking) Why did you do a stupid thing like that?

NILES

It wasn’t stupid at the time. How did I know the minute we got inside this room you’d be on me like a hawk on a titmouse?

ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LILITH

(sotto) Just be quiet.

LILITH GETS UP, THROWS ON HER ROBE, AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR.

LILITH

Who is it?

MORE LATER TODAY…

9 comments :

the third coast said...

"a hawk on a titmouse"?

Wonderful line!

Anonymous said...

one of my favorite people of all time is bebe. got to work a pit band once with her on stage, gorgeous, talented, very hard working. off stage, much the same person. i left the show having a big ass crush on her that has never left me.

VP81955 said...

The mere idea of Niles being with Lilith is hilarious. Add the lines you did, and you have one of "Frasier's" most memorable episodes. Belated congrats on a job well done.

Frank Strovel III said...

This is also one of my favorites. I would've loved to have the role of the room service guy. He gives some priceless looks in the scene.

Chris said...

mmmmm . . . bebe.

Anonymous said...

Hi Ken

I remembered that episode. It was also my favorite. I also noticed that you and Issace wrote many of the episodes which featured lilith and frasier so I would always look out for your names. I have that episode in one of the collected script books. My other favorite Lilith episode is the one where frasier went for a vacation and lo and behold, lilith was in the room next to his. And it ended with frasier doing a solo performance on a bed, half naked, shaking the bed posts to simulate wild sex. Hilarious.

can you tell me how you broke the story for Room Service? who came up with what ideas? And who came up with that line " hawk on a titmouse"? did bebe contribute anything dialogue to your script?

she has amazing comic timing.

Anonymous said...

I also love the two-part episode where Frasier is on vacation with his latest love interest, and he finds out that Lilith is in the room next door. The sequence at the end is the best - it's a replay of the scene where Lilith is on the balcony and calls over, "Frasier?" after she realizes he is next door. Only this time, it's Diane Chambers who is on the balcony, not Lilith. A great surprise cameo by Shelley Long.

Anonymous said...

I like the episode where diane came back to visit frasier and diane developed a kind of tic whenever she got stressed.

I wonder who came up with the idea of the tic.

Then later, frasier discovered that diane had written a play about a certain bar and frasier went livid when he found out that his character was portrayed as a whiny chap pining after diane.

there was a line - "..like a festering chest wound.."..something like that, describing how diane treated him. I love that line.

Johnny Walker said...

It's interesting to note the subtle differences between this script and the broadcast version. Lots of jokes were lost, yet it was just as funny, and possibly more immediate, without them.

An important reminder not to get too precious about jokes and lines!